Unmasked Belonging: Beyond Niceness

“Yes, I am Mister Nice Guy.” – Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carrey from The Mask)

This quote from Jim Carrey’s character wrote an article called “Nice Guys Finish Last.” Without spoiling the movie, Carrey’s character finds a magic mask that transforms him, revealing that Mr. Nice Guy probably needed therapy. A tale as old as chimps have been in trees.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recently, while freezing at my son’s soccer game, I binge-listened to a new podcast, CamBro Conversations by Colin Campbell. The episode I’m reflecting on tonight is The Hidden Costs of Being a Nice Guy with Dr. Glover, author of No More Mr. Nice Guy. This episode, though crass, blunt, and bold, was full of value and insight, particularly for men like myself. I aim to share my reflection more universally.

The episode begins with our childhood. As dependent babies, we are all emotion and basic survival. We learn to manage our world by repeating behaviors that get our needs met. We coo, we cry, and our basic needs are fulfilled. However, as we grow, these behaviors no longer yield the same results. We become more selective, learning new ways to operate and change our outcomes.

This is why a child sucks his thumb or carries a blanket; they provide the comfort being craved. Initially, we do not develop thinking; we just feel. We internalize discomfort, which often becomes shame and anxiety later. Parenting is hard, as a parent I have had to learn the hard way. We must take care not to make security and comfort conditional. Less the emotional self says, “I am bad,” even before we have words to express such feelings. None of us want to be in pain, a universal truth against which there is no argument to be made. To avoid pain, we often turn to people-pleasing, a behavior not exclusive to nice guys. Social media is full of validation-seeking. You have likely seen posts, where people forsake themselves for attention, even if just for a moment.

People-pleasers in general become what we think others want them to be, repressing any true sense of self. In some ways, we are still managing the world as we did before we began thinking; cooing, crying, and expecting to be coddled. The nice guy syndrome is a perfect example, giving with the unspoken expectation of eventually receiving. The silent assumption is that if we read and anticipate others’ needs, they will do the same for us someday. A foolish hope, once unmet becomes fuel for resentment. The bigger problem is, there is no real person, just a shapeshifter, a chameleon. There is no truth, no authenticity, only a mess with the makings of a monster.

My Takeaways:

• Not being nice does not mean becoming cold or cruel. It means not trading yourself for others’ acceptance. Let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Be yourself. First, you need to get to know yourself.
• You are not a cockroach. Yet, many go through life aimlessly, simply waking, working, eating, sleeping, reproducing, and retiring. Why do we call that a good life? That is the life of a cockroach. They are born, consume, breed, and die. You are more than a cockroach. Our bodies, minds, and emotions are wonderfully woven, full of sensory inputs that can be translated into outputs. If we have the character and courage to face fear, failure, and rejection, we can experience all that existence has to offer. (The good, the bad, and the ugly. Each a fuel and driver.)
• Lastly, the reference to 4,000 Weeks, a book about the average lifespan, is a wake-up call. I am about 1,948 weeks old, which is a stark reminder of the limited time I have. How many more weeks do you have?

Finding our true selves means facing discomfort, fear, and rejection head-on, rather than hiding behind a facade of niceness. It’s about understanding that our worth isn’t determined by others’ approval but by our own ability to operate with honesty, self-awareness, and self-acceptance, especially when dealing with our shadow or darker nature.

As we optimize our operation in life, let’s remember that we are more than just our roles, or the expectations placed upon us. We are complex, often confusing beings capable of profound growth and transformation. By shedding people-pleasing behaviors, we open ourselves up to more genuine connections, deeper fulfillment, and a life lived with individual integrity.

In the end, it’s not about being nice or pleasing everyone; it’s about being real and true to who we are today, and who we want to be tomorrow. Let’s live a life that reflects our own values and aspirations whatever they are. We should seek to belong, not fit in. So, let’s take off the masks. After all, we only have around 4,000 weeks to beat that final boss in the mirror.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” – Carl Jung